Thursday, October 12, 2006
STEAL
Do you steal? do you like to steal? Do you have specific stratedgies when you steal? Do you steal when you need something and can't afford it? Do you steal when you want something and can't have it? Do you steal for the thrill of it? Are you scared of stealing? Do you have certain ways you steal? Certain strategies? Do you have rules for yourself, like only stealing from certain places? or only certain things? Do you steal or have you stolen to make a little money? a lot of money?
tell me, i want to know.
post anonymously?
Do you steal? do you like to steal? Do you have specific stratedgies when you steal? Do you steal when you need something and can't afford it? Do you steal when you want something and can't have it? Do you steal for the thrill of it? Are you scared of stealing? Do you have certain ways you steal? Certain strategies? Do you have rules for yourself, like only stealing from certain places? or only certain things? Do you steal or have you stolen to make a little money? a lot of money?
tell me, i want to know.
post anonymously?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
went to a mountain today. I realize i need to be on one, alone, for at least....2 days? 3 days? get my thinking straight. i went with my friend Melissa, it was amazing and inspiring, even though i wasn't alone.
we talked about bio-electricity, and the electromagentism of the body. How she has seizures and seizures are literally electricity running through your body. and how artists are really in touch with the electricity/anti-matter/spirit world, and need to manifest it physically somehow, in an urgent way, but often we aren't grounded and that's where the crazy artist story comes from. and people get addicted to it, or identify with it, or don't have the skills to ground. or, making work is the way to ground.
i get hung up in those realms, of electricity, of rapid thought and ideas, of the spirit. It's where i exist best, where i have taken shelter and survived. i am scared of people and the world and the ground and what's deep beneath, i can't trust it. When you die, you leave through your head. I only realized 2 years ago exactly how deeply i haven't been here. Because, i am afraid, when i first was learning how to stop and be slow and not think, it was scary, i would have anxiety, and it felt like dying. like I WOULD STOP EXISTING if i didn't think or wasn't in some higher plane. or, something could really hurt me, or i was wasting my life and time. BUT, really, being grounded is being more in LIFE. and being more in ideas, in a way, is dwelling more in death than you should. death is that peace, that overjoy, that grand space and field overwhelming. i was leaving through the top of my head all the time.
i remember being in college, typical big ten action, i realized that the kids all around me were trying to kill themselves, greedily grabbing after death all over the place. we are deneyed it so much, in this culture, it's all around but we never get to have it. it's pretty dark, actually, college, it's a dark dark place. In buddism there is a method of contemplating on the nature of death everyday, in order to understand the nature of life and the nature of reality. I realized i didn't really think about death and let it effect me, really be in me. and neither was anyone around me, as desperate and they were to drink it. They did not know the true nature of death and neither of thier own life, and their own suffering. Because the sadness was palpuable and violent, because it was so neglected. What purgatory we damn ourselves to, because we cannot not face our fears, our sufferening, our deep wells of pain that come with living, and also we cannot face death. Suffering, to me, feels like pain, which we imagine what dying is like and that's why we fear it? so i avoid suffering. but then, to gain true calm, you have to look death square in the eye, but that seems like dying too, giving everything up to just sit with it.
to add the devil to the mix, and evil? well, the devil is the devil itself. his is manifest as a dangerous distraction. hiding the darkness that is rightfully ours. some people in longing too much for the light feel the need to destroy the devil, but what they lust for is thier own darkness and shadows, and thier quest for destruction is really a twisted quesst for union. a sad ulgy chase.
i had an alcholic boyfriend, and he said to me in one of our many "i think you have a problem" talks that he would lose his darkness, his edge (and his creative urge? i assumed) if he gave up drinking. my father has said the same thing about his addictions. but what i know of that world is that a drug gives you the space to romantise the dark, it's image, but you don't actually have it, embody it as it's rightfully yours. you are avoiding it. being sober and having to deal with all your fucked up shit is very very hard and just as dark, and overwhelming and scary. i think in a certain way it's much scarier to sit and cry so much that you feel that you will never never stop or could possibly die or maybe you just should, you are being torn apart....that is a lot more edgy and violent than getting fucked up.
drugs let you bypass your shame about your sad and darkness (yourself), gives you a certain perameter to have it in, a time and space, and you don't have to be responsible for it. the darkness doesn't go away, it doesn't do anything except fester. even when you are sober forever it will always be with you your whole life. you can go to it whenever you want, it will sneak up on you. you can transform it? i don't know, i think you can but i'm not totally sure how.
death cult/death wish is an important step. getting wild in all the many ways are important. teenage times are death times, but death and birth times. birth is what is violent, really. dying is peacefull. in destruction what we look for really is the violence of birth, of life. of being alive.
we talked about bio-electricity, and the electromagentism of the body. How she has seizures and seizures are literally electricity running through your body. and how artists are really in touch with the electricity/anti-matter/spirit world, and need to manifest it physically somehow, in an urgent way, but often we aren't grounded and that's where the crazy artist story comes from. and people get addicted to it, or identify with it, or don't have the skills to ground. or, making work is the way to ground.
i get hung up in those realms, of electricity, of rapid thought and ideas, of the spirit. It's where i exist best, where i have taken shelter and survived. i am scared of people and the world and the ground and what's deep beneath, i can't trust it. When you die, you leave through your head. I only realized 2 years ago exactly how deeply i haven't been here. Because, i am afraid, when i first was learning how to stop and be slow and not think, it was scary, i would have anxiety, and it felt like dying. like I WOULD STOP EXISTING if i didn't think or wasn't in some higher plane. or, something could really hurt me, or i was wasting my life and time. BUT, really, being grounded is being more in LIFE. and being more in ideas, in a way, is dwelling more in death than you should. death is that peace, that overjoy, that grand space and field overwhelming. i was leaving through the top of my head all the time.
i remember being in college, typical big ten action, i realized that the kids all around me were trying to kill themselves, greedily grabbing after death all over the place. we are deneyed it so much, in this culture, it's all around but we never get to have it. it's pretty dark, actually, college, it's a dark dark place. In buddism there is a method of contemplating on the nature of death everyday, in order to understand the nature of life and the nature of reality. I realized i didn't really think about death and let it effect me, really be in me. and neither was anyone around me, as desperate and they were to drink it. They did not know the true nature of death and neither of thier own life, and their own suffering. Because the sadness was palpuable and violent, because it was so neglected. What purgatory we damn ourselves to, because we cannot not face our fears, our sufferening, our deep wells of pain that come with living, and also we cannot face death. Suffering, to me, feels like pain, which we imagine what dying is like and that's why we fear it? so i avoid suffering. but then, to gain true calm, you have to look death square in the eye, but that seems like dying too, giving everything up to just sit with it.
to add the devil to the mix, and evil? well, the devil is the devil itself. his is manifest as a dangerous distraction. hiding the darkness that is rightfully ours. some people in longing too much for the light feel the need to destroy the devil, but what they lust for is thier own darkness and shadows, and thier quest for destruction is really a twisted quesst for union. a sad ulgy chase.
i had an alcholic boyfriend, and he said to me in one of our many "i think you have a problem" talks that he would lose his darkness, his edge (and his creative urge? i assumed) if he gave up drinking. my father has said the same thing about his addictions. but what i know of that world is that a drug gives you the space to romantise the dark, it's image, but you don't actually have it, embody it as it's rightfully yours. you are avoiding it. being sober and having to deal with all your fucked up shit is very very hard and just as dark, and overwhelming and scary. i think in a certain way it's much scarier to sit and cry so much that you feel that you will never never stop or could possibly die or maybe you just should, you are being torn apart....that is a lot more edgy and violent than getting fucked up.
drugs let you bypass your shame about your sad and darkness (yourself), gives you a certain perameter to have it in, a time and space, and you don't have to be responsible for it. the darkness doesn't go away, it doesn't do anything except fester. even when you are sober forever it will always be with you your whole life. you can go to it whenever you want, it will sneak up on you. you can transform it? i don't know, i think you can but i'm not totally sure how.
death cult/death wish is an important step. getting wild in all the many ways are important. teenage times are death times, but death and birth times. birth is what is violent, really. dying is peacefull. in destruction what we look for really is the violence of birth, of life. of being alive.
Friday, December 16, 2005
BLOG SQUAD #4
messy. piles of clothes, dust, hair, cockroach bodies, little scraps of garbage, probably rotting apple cores. lots of clothes. we sometimes would not know what to do at all about how to clean it when we were finally asked and finally begrudgened. one solution was to sweep EVERYTHING--all clothes, toys, dirt, school papers, pencil stubs, paperclips, dust bunnies into one big huge pile in the middle of the room and then kind of pick through it all and figure out where it all could go. now that i'm an adult i don't do that, somehow it was the only way i could make sense of it as a young child, if all that stuff was together. a closet, 2 windows on opposite ends. one dresser or two? a small olive TV, we would watch TV after church, doctor who reruns, ann of green gables, good times. tv on top of dresser. always a mess of stray crayons and pencils and legos on top of the dresser. dresser was dark wood with fake brass handles that seemed so colonial to me, with fake skeleton keyholes. digital alarm clock with cockroach bodies in inbetween the face of the clock and the plastic. cubbies. rollerskating around the house and dead ending by the window. Staring at the black silowettes of the tree branches when we went to bed at 9pm in the summer but it wasn't yet dark (just dusking) and i couldn't sleep. torturing my sister while she was trying to go to sleep. a scarf hanging off my bed, that the mice would climb unto and run arcs across my body, i woke up and saw them sometimes. a unicorn gold rubbing picture, some paintings i did, one of snow on tree branched that were in a show at the government center where my mom worked--i was pretty proud. a plant holder at some point, mauve cordoroy knickers with a matching vest. 2 twin beds moved around in different configurations, sometimes pushed together or like a L to eachother. wooden knobs on short posts that had boogers smeared on them. a slanted wall that my sister was hit against. slying drawing on the walls in pencil. white walls slightly dirty. the walls that i would stand in the corner of, on my bed, and blow through just the mouthpiece of the flute i borrowed from school for band. the sounds would echo echo echo all over the corner and walls all over like it was outer space (and this is what i most preferred to do instead of practicing "michael row your boat ashore" for band). hard wood floors, creaking slightly. my baby quilt with a frog on it that my grandma made, i still put it on my bed, still sometimes slept holding it, also the ugly quilt my grandma made out of double knit polyester pants scraps that i hated so much but was so warm. A door of wood, stained nice chestnuty red. i liked that door, i liked hiding behind that door.
messy. piles of clothes, dust, hair, cockroach bodies, little scraps of garbage, probably rotting apple cores. lots of clothes. we sometimes would not know what to do at all about how to clean it when we were finally asked and finally begrudgened. one solution was to sweep EVERYTHING--all clothes, toys, dirt, school papers, pencil stubs, paperclips, dust bunnies into one big huge pile in the middle of the room and then kind of pick through it all and figure out where it all could go. now that i'm an adult i don't do that, somehow it was the only way i could make sense of it as a young child, if all that stuff was together. a closet, 2 windows on opposite ends. one dresser or two? a small olive TV, we would watch TV after church, doctor who reruns, ann of green gables, good times. tv on top of dresser. always a mess of stray crayons and pencils and legos on top of the dresser. dresser was dark wood with fake brass handles that seemed so colonial to me, with fake skeleton keyholes. digital alarm clock with cockroach bodies in inbetween the face of the clock and the plastic. cubbies. rollerskating around the house and dead ending by the window. Staring at the black silowettes of the tree branches when we went to bed at 9pm in the summer but it wasn't yet dark (just dusking) and i couldn't sleep. torturing my sister while she was trying to go to sleep. a scarf hanging off my bed, that the mice would climb unto and run arcs across my body, i woke up and saw them sometimes. a unicorn gold rubbing picture, some paintings i did, one of snow on tree branched that were in a show at the government center where my mom worked--i was pretty proud. a plant holder at some point, mauve cordoroy knickers with a matching vest. 2 twin beds moved around in different configurations, sometimes pushed together or like a L to eachother. wooden knobs on short posts that had boogers smeared on them. a slanted wall that my sister was hit against. slying drawing on the walls in pencil. white walls slightly dirty. the walls that i would stand in the corner of, on my bed, and blow through just the mouthpiece of the flute i borrowed from school for band. the sounds would echo echo echo all over the corner and walls all over like it was outer space (and this is what i most preferred to do instead of practicing "michael row your boat ashore" for band). hard wood floors, creaking slightly. my baby quilt with a frog on it that my grandma made, i still put it on my bed, still sometimes slept holding it, also the ugly quilt my grandma made out of double knit polyester pants scraps that i hated so much but was so warm. A door of wood, stained nice chestnuty red. i liked that door, i liked hiding behind that door.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
AUXILLARY CAPILLARY BLOG SQUAD
entry...4? 5?
write in as much detail as you can about your room when you were 8. memories from year 7 or 9 are acceptable as well.
entry...4? 5?
write in as much detail as you can about your room when you were 8. memories from year 7 or 9 are acceptable as well.
Monday, December 05, 2005
my dream this morning was this, this part of it i mean: a girl had an abortion, in the woods, away from work (or, a work party picnic in the woods), on the way to the beach. in the part of the woods where the ground start to become a little sandy because of the beach. that feeling of women with short hair and dogs in the air, warmly dressed. A buddist priest, but very secular was presiding over it as a guide, he was maybe half asian, half american? or, very american. It was a sad moment, they removed it surgically and held it up for her above the stomach. the girl wasn't me but later i went into her body. i was watching. i asked, why did it have to be so painfull and sad? The priest said, she decided to stop this thing, this powerfull process, so of course it's going to cause a lot of pain. The way he was explaining it, the tone of his voice gave the underling scientifical underpinings, it just makes logical sense it would hurt so much, think of the resistence required to stop a moving train, think of the strain in your body, how sore it would be the next day. that is the emotional math equation of this event.
the baby was quite big, like 7 months, maybe 6 or maybe 8. they held it above my stomach. it was like i had given birth to it to die. the process was so similar, holding it up over me dead instead of alive and crying. the baby was more peacefull and more dead, still purple and bloody and pink. in a pan, the kind of disection pan the fetal pig would be in in 9th grade science class, before you would cut it. I wanted to touch the baby, i touched the baby, it's skin was smooth and slippery and cold. i knew i had to/wanted to/needed to pick it up and hold it, as i was picking it up, the shape was a hand. It was a hand the more i turned it around and over to make sense of what it was. It looked like my hand, perhaps the fingers were a little shorter, or perhaps the illusion that my fingers are long was not in effect because it was cold, dead, and peacefull.
"its going in the movie"--i have to keep a log of those moments, it's hard when i have to go to work so early in the morning. i know what they are but can't tell them, i have to write them in the log. One moment i can tell you--the branches that are purple all together from a distance, the bare branches, but when you get close and they start to seperate, they aren't purple anymore.
the baby was quite big, like 7 months, maybe 6 or maybe 8. they held it above my stomach. it was like i had given birth to it to die. the process was so similar, holding it up over me dead instead of alive and crying. the baby was more peacefull and more dead, still purple and bloody and pink. in a pan, the kind of disection pan the fetal pig would be in in 9th grade science class, before you would cut it. I wanted to touch the baby, i touched the baby, it's skin was smooth and slippery and cold. i knew i had to/wanted to/needed to pick it up and hold it, as i was picking it up, the shape was a hand. It was a hand the more i turned it around and over to make sense of what it was. It looked like my hand, perhaps the fingers were a little shorter, or perhaps the illusion that my fingers are long was not in effect because it was cold, dead, and peacefull.
"its going in the movie"--i have to keep a log of those moments, it's hard when i have to go to work so early in the morning. i know what they are but can't tell them, i have to write them in the log. One moment i can tell you--the branches that are purple all together from a distance, the bare branches, but when you get close and they start to seperate, they aren't purple anymore.
Monday, November 28, 2005
AMAZING FUN
joy of reality
CONSTANCY
high entertainment times
--from a shirt i bought in Shilin for 3 US dollars
did i already write of my very painfull foot message in Shilin at midnight? i even was like "erghhhh" and she knew but she kept doing it hard. really hard. also too i think i haven't been in my feet very much here. Taipei is not a very grounded place, the people work and study and shop too much, probably. it's no nepal, anyways. the foot message was painfull but all the towels were lime and pring green, and thier outfits. and, at midnight! after a hard night at the night markets, uf! and they served tea and angel food cake.
FOOD FOOD FOOD--my mission of putting as many things into my mouth as possible is reaching ridiculous proportions. let's see what's next---buddhist vegetarian chinese tacos (curry tofu, cilantro and fried dough pieces like chinese doughnuts, for the filling, lettuce leaf wraps) and other buddhist delights at a buddhist resterant with a center on the secound (but NOT a buddhist center that has a restaurant), beef noodle soup where the noodles are fresh and so thick they seem like creatures themselves. did i write about fried stinky tofu (that comes with pickled cabbage and hot sauce)? or the just rightly 5 spiced/seasame oiled dumpling soup by the river? passionfruit and pomelo icey drinks. hot almond milk from 7 11. sushi triangles. green tea and red bean moon cakes with mochi in the middle. stewed bitter melon. almost every train station has a "sushi to go" store that sells sushi (taiwanese style with seaweed, preserved bamboo, cream corn), but also bready things like rolls and doughnuts and fresh garlic bread! cresants very lightly sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon. it's very damp here, and warm, and i eat a lot, and don't really excerise, so i fell lethargic but also a lot of energy going no where, and a lot of damp in me. i could sleep forever here, all the dampy weighing me down.
i went into the city, the parts that are like manhattan. just walking around. it's ok. i went to the ocean. it was ok too. i like the mountains better i think. lots of temples everywhere you go. the are some buildings that are run down and trees growing into them. lots of eccentric public dancing. not a lot, and not "eccentric" like the people are trying to be "weird" or "cutting edge", but just doing their thing. or old men doing incredible flexibiltiy shows in the park. retired gymnasts or something.
i bought a lot of clothes today in Shilin. they were all 3 dollars and not buying clothes here would be like not buying a mala or thanka or bell and vajra in nepal. nepal is one of my spiritual homelands, and places like taiwan are my fashion homelands. now i need to buy a trendy suitcase to bring it all home.
i am trying to learn more about dahkinis. Jason and Heather use the term like its women who are totally beautifull and powerfull and really unselfconscious about it, like they just do what they want and aren't even aware they shouldn't be doing those things, and that's also what makes them so beautifull and powerfull. To call a woman a dahkin in India is calling her a bloodrinker, worse than calling a woman a whore or bitch in english. In nepal, i think it's more a compliment. Powerfull woman, i think it could hav esome teasing elements, if coming from a man. I'm so self conscious in some ways, even when i'm not i'm always so proud because i knew i have to fight public opinon of my weird ways, it's not easy and flowing from me, it's aggressive because i have to be so protective? i have to learn more their ways. i'm sort of close, or i have it inside, i'm familar with it, i just need to get it out. i'm not that way in private.
interesting arts opportunites in Taiwan, like an artist's residency building. interesting ones in bali too...it's very tempting to want to just stay here. I could probably easily find an pretty nice apartment for 200-300 dollars (there are rooftop apartments for 90 a month!, save enough to be able to not work and travel to nepal, bali, to study. i have things i want to do in america, though, but it's nice to feel like there are really viable options other places. Like Berlin...where else?
i also have a boyfriend here, his name is dragon, he's a little short for me, but he's got long sort of sandy hair, is really physically affectionate (licks my hand and feet and thighs a lot, jumps on me a lot), sort of has an oral fixation, though. like most men (if this were a cathy cartoon), he's a dog. Heather and i were joking that i just won't leave and i'll be dragon's girlfriend, and dragon got really excited, he was laying down and when she said that, he winked at me!!!! i mean, i'm usually weired out when humans wink at me, but when an animal does it,ha! and, weird. he's been humping me a lot. and today i was sitting in a chair and he nuzzled into my crotch with his nose and then bit it a little!!! i freaked out but didn't say no (just "ahhh!oh my god!!!") so, like most men, especially inexperienced ones, he got confused and a little scared. I think i have some out of control or haywire sexual energy right now because little boys get the same way around me, or one little boy did, wanting to kiss me a lot and just ALL over me. Not attractive, eligible, mature interesting, capable men my age or a little older, mind you. Just dogs and small boys. the occasional drunk chinese man (who ask "wanna take a bath" in chinese on the streets, on a sunday! ha haha!). Men with wives, 2 wives, men arranging for their wives....they are a little more discreet, however.
pray for me, oh dahkinis. help me oh dahkinis.
i miss my garden. that's a nice thing about portland that would be hard to replicate here. and my nice friends. maybe we could all move to taipei. just a thought.
joy of reality
CONSTANCY
high entertainment times
--from a shirt i bought in Shilin for 3 US dollars
did i already write of my very painfull foot message in Shilin at midnight? i even was like "erghhhh" and she knew but she kept doing it hard. really hard. also too i think i haven't been in my feet very much here. Taipei is not a very grounded place, the people work and study and shop too much, probably. it's no nepal, anyways. the foot message was painfull but all the towels were lime and pring green, and thier outfits. and, at midnight! after a hard night at the night markets, uf! and they served tea and angel food cake.
FOOD FOOD FOOD--my mission of putting as many things into my mouth as possible is reaching ridiculous proportions. let's see what's next---buddhist vegetarian chinese tacos (curry tofu, cilantro and fried dough pieces like chinese doughnuts, for the filling, lettuce leaf wraps) and other buddhist delights at a buddhist resterant with a center on the secound (but NOT a buddhist center that has a restaurant), beef noodle soup where the noodles are fresh and so thick they seem like creatures themselves. did i write about fried stinky tofu (that comes with pickled cabbage and hot sauce)? or the just rightly 5 spiced/seasame oiled dumpling soup by the river? passionfruit and pomelo icey drinks. hot almond milk from 7 11. sushi triangles. green tea and red bean moon cakes with mochi in the middle. stewed bitter melon. almost every train station has a "sushi to go" store that sells sushi (taiwanese style with seaweed, preserved bamboo, cream corn), but also bready things like rolls and doughnuts and fresh garlic bread! cresants very lightly sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon. it's very damp here, and warm, and i eat a lot, and don't really excerise, so i fell lethargic but also a lot of energy going no where, and a lot of damp in me. i could sleep forever here, all the dampy weighing me down.
i went into the city, the parts that are like manhattan. just walking around. it's ok. i went to the ocean. it was ok too. i like the mountains better i think. lots of temples everywhere you go. the are some buildings that are run down and trees growing into them. lots of eccentric public dancing. not a lot, and not "eccentric" like the people are trying to be "weird" or "cutting edge", but just doing their thing. or old men doing incredible flexibiltiy shows in the park. retired gymnasts or something.
i bought a lot of clothes today in Shilin. they were all 3 dollars and not buying clothes here would be like not buying a mala or thanka or bell and vajra in nepal. nepal is one of my spiritual homelands, and places like taiwan are my fashion homelands. now i need to buy a trendy suitcase to bring it all home.
i am trying to learn more about dahkinis. Jason and Heather use the term like its women who are totally beautifull and powerfull and really unselfconscious about it, like they just do what they want and aren't even aware they shouldn't be doing those things, and that's also what makes them so beautifull and powerfull. To call a woman a dahkin in India is calling her a bloodrinker, worse than calling a woman a whore or bitch in english. In nepal, i think it's more a compliment. Powerfull woman, i think it could hav esome teasing elements, if coming from a man. I'm so self conscious in some ways, even when i'm not i'm always so proud because i knew i have to fight public opinon of my weird ways, it's not easy and flowing from me, it's aggressive because i have to be so protective? i have to learn more their ways. i'm sort of close, or i have it inside, i'm familar with it, i just need to get it out. i'm not that way in private.
interesting arts opportunites in Taiwan, like an artist's residency building. interesting ones in bali too...it's very tempting to want to just stay here. I could probably easily find an pretty nice apartment for 200-300 dollars (there are rooftop apartments for 90 a month!, save enough to be able to not work and travel to nepal, bali, to study. i have things i want to do in america, though, but it's nice to feel like there are really viable options other places. Like Berlin...where else?
i also have a boyfriend here, his name is dragon, he's a little short for me, but he's got long sort of sandy hair, is really physically affectionate (licks my hand and feet and thighs a lot, jumps on me a lot), sort of has an oral fixation, though. like most men (if this were a cathy cartoon), he's a dog. Heather and i were joking that i just won't leave and i'll be dragon's girlfriend, and dragon got really excited, he was laying down and when she said that, he winked at me!!!! i mean, i'm usually weired out when humans wink at me, but when an animal does it,ha! and, weird. he's been humping me a lot. and today i was sitting in a chair and he nuzzled into my crotch with his nose and then bit it a little!!! i freaked out but didn't say no (just "ahhh!oh my god!!!") so, like most men, especially inexperienced ones, he got confused and a little scared. I think i have some out of control or haywire sexual energy right now because little boys get the same way around me, or one little boy did, wanting to kiss me a lot and just ALL over me. Not attractive, eligible, mature interesting, capable men my age or a little older, mind you. Just dogs and small boys. the occasional drunk chinese man (who ask "wanna take a bath" in chinese on the streets, on a sunday! ha haha!). Men with wives, 2 wives, men arranging for their wives....they are a little more discreet, however.
pray for me, oh dahkinis. help me oh dahkinis.
i miss my garden. that's a nice thing about portland that would be hard to replicate here. and my nice friends. maybe we could all move to taipei. just a thought.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
SHU FU
this is appreantly what the girls in Taiwanese porn say, as they are being did..."auh....shufu! shufu!" which translates as "comfortable! comfortable!" they aren't probably yelling it, just softly letting it out of thier bodies. We learned this fun fact at a thanksgiving dinner we went to on friday, at this fancy lady's house. It was a weird mix of people: gay men who had various jobs (an apparel designer for nike, englidh teacher, i don't know what else...), a construction guy from california/texas, a financial analyist for CNN who now works for an environmentaly friendly chemicals company (it's how they break down that makes them more safe than other synthetic chemicals, he told me), an english composition professor, 3 or 4 missionaries (methodist?), a high speed train engineer (helped design the system in taiwan and now works in china), some boarderline WICCA typed ladies who were probably teaching english but i only knew about thier art making. Sort of stuffy, pasty middle american types but on the liberal side, very comfortable around the flambant charning gay men. One, the designer, was from the phillipines and very interesting, very much into intellectual persuits and also into sex, most specifically gay sex. He informed me that it's just coming out that Eddie Murphy is gay, as he rolled his like, like, duh...he told me to go to socialiteslife.com to get all the latest dish.
The woman who owned the house we were at was a very interesting lady. The house was full of antiques from china and all over asia. A lot of buddist statuary, esp. thai styled buddhas. amazing rugs, an opium bed, lot of laquer...like a museum. She has her hands in various exporting trade, antiques, textiles from all over SE Asia, runs a gallery, very interested in "artists." she had a beautiful shrine room with an old thanka, crystal double vajra, tatami mats, a taoist shrine too. Has live in Taipei and around for 30 years.
they were all liberal, but shocking to me. It was shocking to be around ALL americans, and thier stiff self conscious ways. it seemed like the americans in nepal that i saw were of a different breed. they were all very interesting to be around, though. The taiwanese ladies that were there were my favorite, married to american men, they were older but very charming and spirited, very youthfull and funny. aging so much better than the americans.
i like how you can make a broad generalization after seeing a thing once in a forgein country, like we were in a big park yesterday with lots of kids in it, and one kid was pogo sticking, and i was alreayd formulating "yeah, pogo sticks are really popular in Taipei" before i started laughing at myself. as if it's a nationwide craze because i saw one kid doing it. perhaps this sort of generalization is one i'm solely prone to.
food, food, food: yam cakes, tea eggs, hot sauce with fermented beans in it, fancy taiwanese/french/japanese vegetarian food (like miso lemograss hot pot with amazing fresh vegetables), street vendors selling roasted waterchestnuts and yams, scallion pancakes, all sorts of dumplings, fish egg soup, squids and shrimps and who knows what on a stick, fresh fruits and juicies, including frech pink guava and dragon fruit, dried fish sheets, red candied perserved plums, fried quail eggs and tiny tiny shrimp fried in round irona and put on a stick, roasted corn, little waffley cakes shaped like monks and animals, little mochi looking lumps colored yellow, pink and chocolate brown with gelationus coating that looks so sweet and desserty but is acutally egg and pork floss and pig's blood. I saw a lot of foods at the night markets. In Shilin, and Tshimending, every ones goes to hang out, shop, see and be seen. It's a very cosumeristic culture. It's overwhelming to be around all the stuff. It's all so cutesy amazing hip asian japanese/chinese styled that it all blends together. Lots of teenagers/youth. Lots of families. No hagling, but big city styled deals and bulk and cheap rip offs. illegal vendors, we saw some street vendors, who heard that cops were coming, just start running and pushing thier carts somewhere, they just dissappeared but were back again after the threat was gone. lots of vending machines selling little toys, open air tattoo parlors with people getting the tattoos right in front of you, fancy nail places, purses, shoes that are cute but too small for me. I mean, all the fashion is amazing but everyone wears the same style, so actually it's a bit boring. it becomes very repetitive. but i'm still a sucker for it. i mean, it's so cute!
couples are pretty openly affectionate here. there are a lot of couples. i've seen a lot of maybe/lesbian couples here, lots of butchy types, still soft. gender in the east in some ways more fluid, the men are still very macho and probably sexist, but i think they are allowed their feminity more, in some ways. so men often look like women and etc.
we wanted to go dancing, we saw a sign for "lust: dance club" so we decided to check it out, the sign was rainbow colored so i guessed it was a gay strip club. the others didn't necessarily think so, but when we got on the elevator and pressed 5 for the floor Lust was on, the old man who was in the elevator said, no no, not for you not for you in chinese and pushed us off the elevator. hmm. so, we didn't go dancing.
what else: went to the national concert hall for a flute concert, they builing is huge and chinese style amazing. it's a part of the chiang kai shiek memorial complex, which housees the national theater too. lots of people out and walking at night, even if they weren't going to a concert or show. we came across a big group of teenagers getting into formation..."ah... clubs, this is what they spend thier time doing..." teenagers spend a lot of time in clubs, like go clubs, math clubs, computer game clubs. This was a dance club, i guess. i was REALLY excited to see what they would do as they were getting ready, but once they started dancing, it was pretty lack luster, like they all didn't know the moves very well but were also really shy and uncoridenated and unspirited and maybe not even having that much fun? just, wet blanket style. Still it was cute. heather said, they would NEVER be able to do a thing like this alone, taiwanese are SO shy, but get them in a group and they will do the weirdest craziest things.
it's so much easier to document my time in Taipei, because i have more ready acess to a computer, and it's more familar and easiest to explain. and it seems like nepal is so secret it swallows you up in that, and it's really more to be experienced than told a story of. because it's so experientially minded, that's how people's minds are...? hard to explain.
so, taipei, also: EVERYONE recycles and composts. the compost is collected by the government that sells it as 2 kinds: pig food and soil food. it's a small island full of people, they just can't not. but also i think they think about it more, heather said overnight everyone just started composteing. makes me feel like if some non pullting form of transportation came along, they would all just start using it. if it seems like a good idea, they will just do it. maybe that's another simple generalization.
in nepal, it would take forever to start something like nation wide composting, there's no infrastructure, and information is passed by word of mouth, and it would take them forever to understand it if it was especially forgien reasoning behind it. and then maybe a pride thing too, espeically if it seemed like not a local sort of idea.
in america, it's like a mix, we have (a) infrastucture, but people are so stubborn and willfull and sepicous of anything that seems to threaten some "american way" that is actually totally made up by advertisers and coperations (things like recycling and composting are totally old farming ways, very tradition in a sense), like it COULD happen, there just isn't enough behind it, enough propaganda behind it to convince people, not enough money to be had. hmm. and just so slow, people are so slow intellectually.
creativity i guess is mostly stunted in taiwan, because schooling is so intense and then people work so much. hmm, is that america's excuse? i think they value the arts here, though, even if they themselves aren't that creative, beauty is appriciated.
more more later later, i have to go to the ocean now.
amzing bautiful singing rising from the valleys, from the farmers, i have been told of this happening here, it is a thing that would make me want to stay. to hear it.
this is appreantly what the girls in Taiwanese porn say, as they are being did..."auh....shufu! shufu!" which translates as "comfortable! comfortable!" they aren't probably yelling it, just softly letting it out of thier bodies. We learned this fun fact at a thanksgiving dinner we went to on friday, at this fancy lady's house. It was a weird mix of people: gay men who had various jobs (an apparel designer for nike, englidh teacher, i don't know what else...), a construction guy from california/texas, a financial analyist for CNN who now works for an environmentaly friendly chemicals company (it's how they break down that makes them more safe than other synthetic chemicals, he told me), an english composition professor, 3 or 4 missionaries (methodist?), a high speed train engineer (helped design the system in taiwan and now works in china), some boarderline WICCA typed ladies who were probably teaching english but i only knew about thier art making. Sort of stuffy, pasty middle american types but on the liberal side, very comfortable around the flambant charning gay men. One, the designer, was from the phillipines and very interesting, very much into intellectual persuits and also into sex, most specifically gay sex. He informed me that it's just coming out that Eddie Murphy is gay, as he rolled his like, like, duh...he told me to go to socialiteslife.com to get all the latest dish.
The woman who owned the house we were at was a very interesting lady. The house was full of antiques from china and all over asia. A lot of buddist statuary, esp. thai styled buddhas. amazing rugs, an opium bed, lot of laquer...like a museum. She has her hands in various exporting trade, antiques, textiles from all over SE Asia, runs a gallery, very interested in "artists." she had a beautiful shrine room with an old thanka, crystal double vajra, tatami mats, a taoist shrine too. Has live in Taipei and around for 30 years.
they were all liberal, but shocking to me. It was shocking to be around ALL americans, and thier stiff self conscious ways. it seemed like the americans in nepal that i saw were of a different breed. they were all very interesting to be around, though. The taiwanese ladies that were there were my favorite, married to american men, they were older but very charming and spirited, very youthfull and funny. aging so much better than the americans.
i like how you can make a broad generalization after seeing a thing once in a forgein country, like we were in a big park yesterday with lots of kids in it, and one kid was pogo sticking, and i was alreayd formulating "yeah, pogo sticks are really popular in Taipei" before i started laughing at myself. as if it's a nationwide craze because i saw one kid doing it. perhaps this sort of generalization is one i'm solely prone to.
food, food, food: yam cakes, tea eggs, hot sauce with fermented beans in it, fancy taiwanese/french/japanese vegetarian food (like miso lemograss hot pot with amazing fresh vegetables), street vendors selling roasted waterchestnuts and yams, scallion pancakes, all sorts of dumplings, fish egg soup, squids and shrimps and who knows what on a stick, fresh fruits and juicies, including frech pink guava and dragon fruit, dried fish sheets, red candied perserved plums, fried quail eggs and tiny tiny shrimp fried in round irona and put on a stick, roasted corn, little waffley cakes shaped like monks and animals, little mochi looking lumps colored yellow, pink and chocolate brown with gelationus coating that looks so sweet and desserty but is acutally egg and pork floss and pig's blood. I saw a lot of foods at the night markets. In Shilin, and Tshimending, every ones goes to hang out, shop, see and be seen. It's a very cosumeristic culture. It's overwhelming to be around all the stuff. It's all so cutesy amazing hip asian japanese/chinese styled that it all blends together. Lots of teenagers/youth. Lots of families. No hagling, but big city styled deals and bulk and cheap rip offs. illegal vendors, we saw some street vendors, who heard that cops were coming, just start running and pushing thier carts somewhere, they just dissappeared but were back again after the threat was gone. lots of vending machines selling little toys, open air tattoo parlors with people getting the tattoos right in front of you, fancy nail places, purses, shoes that are cute but too small for me. I mean, all the fashion is amazing but everyone wears the same style, so actually it's a bit boring. it becomes very repetitive. but i'm still a sucker for it. i mean, it's so cute!
couples are pretty openly affectionate here. there are a lot of couples. i've seen a lot of maybe/lesbian couples here, lots of butchy types, still soft. gender in the east in some ways more fluid, the men are still very macho and probably sexist, but i think they are allowed their feminity more, in some ways. so men often look like women and etc.
we wanted to go dancing, we saw a sign for "lust: dance club" so we decided to check it out, the sign was rainbow colored so i guessed it was a gay strip club. the others didn't necessarily think so, but when we got on the elevator and pressed 5 for the floor Lust was on, the old man who was in the elevator said, no no, not for you not for you in chinese and pushed us off the elevator. hmm. so, we didn't go dancing.
what else: went to the national concert hall for a flute concert, they builing is huge and chinese style amazing. it's a part of the chiang kai shiek memorial complex, which housees the national theater too. lots of people out and walking at night, even if they weren't going to a concert or show. we came across a big group of teenagers getting into formation..."ah... clubs, this is what they spend thier time doing..." teenagers spend a lot of time in clubs, like go clubs, math clubs, computer game clubs. This was a dance club, i guess. i was REALLY excited to see what they would do as they were getting ready, but once they started dancing, it was pretty lack luster, like they all didn't know the moves very well but were also really shy and uncoridenated and unspirited and maybe not even having that much fun? just, wet blanket style. Still it was cute. heather said, they would NEVER be able to do a thing like this alone, taiwanese are SO shy, but get them in a group and they will do the weirdest craziest things.
it's so much easier to document my time in Taipei, because i have more ready acess to a computer, and it's more familar and easiest to explain. and it seems like nepal is so secret it swallows you up in that, and it's really more to be experienced than told a story of. because it's so experientially minded, that's how people's minds are...? hard to explain.
so, taipei, also: EVERYONE recycles and composts. the compost is collected by the government that sells it as 2 kinds: pig food and soil food. it's a small island full of people, they just can't not. but also i think they think about it more, heather said overnight everyone just started composteing. makes me feel like if some non pullting form of transportation came along, they would all just start using it. if it seems like a good idea, they will just do it. maybe that's another simple generalization.
in nepal, it would take forever to start something like nation wide composting, there's no infrastructure, and information is passed by word of mouth, and it would take them forever to understand it if it was especially forgien reasoning behind it. and then maybe a pride thing too, espeically if it seemed like not a local sort of idea.
in america, it's like a mix, we have (a) infrastucture, but people are so stubborn and willfull and sepicous of anything that seems to threaten some "american way" that is actually totally made up by advertisers and coperations (things like recycling and composting are totally old farming ways, very tradition in a sense), like it COULD happen, there just isn't enough behind it, enough propaganda behind it to convince people, not enough money to be had. hmm. and just so slow, people are so slow intellectually.
creativity i guess is mostly stunted in taiwan, because schooling is so intense and then people work so much. hmm, is that america's excuse? i think they value the arts here, though, even if they themselves aren't that creative, beauty is appriciated.
more more later later, i have to go to the ocean now.
amzing bautiful singing rising from the valleys, from the farmers, i have been told of this happening here, it is a thing that would make me want to stay. to hear it.
